A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the glorious Veronica Lombo in this post.  It lead me to think, though, that I have been blessed with many beautiful women in my life.  These women, who come from different walks of life, are such an influence and all deserve to be showcased.  So, away we go.

Introducing Michelle Hernandez! (insert maracas playing)

Michelle and I go way back and she was my fag hag long before she or I knew it.  We went to high school together and sang in choir together.  Incredibly close, even though she was a year ahead of me in school.  I remember driving around in her Jetta and her screaming about her flow.  I, of course, thought her pain was hilarious.  I am her poopy pants.

We’ve been all over the place.  We have cried in the shower together in Manhattan.  I have been her domestically abused husband in the Madrigal Feast at our High School. I was a nazi and she was a nun in the Sound of Music.  We have sung endless amounts of karaoke.  We have had WAY too much wine at China Wine (hence the crying in the shower.) We’ve gayed it up in NYC, LA and SF.

Michelle has hair.  She has lots of god damn hair.  She has an animal shelter in her hair, full of well-fed dogs and cats.  She also has the gift; her singing voice.  This woman can belt you into oblivion.  She’s currently belting her face off while she cruises around Australia with Retro Soul.  She has been back stateside recently and we’ve gotten to hang out/drink/be ridiculous/nap.  In between all that, she answered some random ass questions from my random ass.

Do you remember the first time we met?  I sure as hell don’t. If not, make something up.

There was a Dance At the Gym.  A race wars Mambo competition.  Suddenly, from across the crowded room, there you were.  It was as if the world around us had suddenly gone into soft focus, and it was just us.  We danced to the ethereal music in our own heads, which of course was the same song, obvi.  Eventually, Chino would shoot you dead in a jealous rage and I’d end the show with a dramatic monologue in a bad accent, gripping your corpse in one hand and a revolver in the other.  Wait… that’s something else.

Wait, so how many bullets were there?  How gay are you?  Where did it come from? When did you know you were a fag hag?

Oh wow, on a scale of One to Gay, I’d say 11.  No, 7.  Wait, what’s the weather like?  How many drinks have I had?  Is the moon in the seventh house?  I’m not into absolutes.  People have called me “The Gay Whisperer”.  It’s also been told that my gayness is a freak accident.  What?  See, while I probably SHOULD have been born a man tranny (a man, biologically, who should have been born a woman) I somehow got it right.  I’m like a woman living inside a man living inside a woman.  Whoa, sit on that for a second, that’s what she said.

Where did it come from?  Interesting enough I was raised a conservative Catholic.  I eventually realized that this conflicted with everything rational, progressive, and fabulous.  One day, I woke up and it dawned on me that all my ghosts of boyfriends past were, well, pretty gay.  If not openly, then obviously enough.  I soon looked at my history of male best friends and realized that I’ve been a fag hag since the age of 8.  John Hellman was my first gay.  Of course we didn’t know that then.  Although in retrospect, duh.  I recently got in touch with him.  He claimed not to remember me.  And it looks like he’s de-friended me on Facebook.  Ouch.  I don’t blame him.  I was kind of a bitch at 8.  That was before I got ugly for a while, so I was kind of a bitch.

You and I love musical theatre.  What Broadway diva do you admire the most?  Keep in mind, I will judge you harshly on this answer.

Whoa.  You’re getting really deep and personal here already.  Um, this is so unexpected.  There have been a series of women in Broadway who’ve affected my development as and artist, and a gay.  I think Linda Eder was my first love.  That bitch can belt.  Eventually I forgot I was white and started getting really into that Dreamgirls song, so I’d like to give Jennifer Holliday an Honorable Mentioned.  Although, what IS a gay man but a big black woman, really.  And of course there’s Judy… and Liza.  And Audra!  And Marin Mazzie!  And Bernadette!  DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE!!

OK, I won’t make you choose.  I’ll just make you tell me how you feel about Cher.

I’m gonna be honest, you turned me on to how fabulous she really is, and for that I’m forever grateful.  I DIG Cher.  Once I was at a seat filler event with my original Gay-sian, Dennis Tong.  Cher walked by, and Dennis, with no shame, called out to our goddess.  She stopped, turned, and gave us the best smile she could muster through all that magical plastic.  It was awesome.

I would have died.  You are currently cruising down under?  How are the Aussie gays taking to you?

You know, I’m not finding a whole lot of homos down under.  Twat?  Yeah, disappointing.  We were based in Brisbane, which I can only describe as the Galveston of Australia.  Although this young gay couple DID come up to me on their last night and ask for a picture.  It hadn’t occured to me until that moment how much I’d missed my gay supporters.  Putting my arms around those homos felt like a breath of fresh air.  Fresh, fabulous air.

Oo!  There were also a few lesbians!  I always forget the lesbians.  Sorry, boys.  

And of course, there were a few straight girls who said they’d go gay for me, but I mean, WHAT IS a straight girl but a few tequila shots away from a public bi-curious display.

We’re expecting more gays now that we’ll be based out of Sydney.  Judy, Please give us more gays in Sydney.

How big is your hair?

Let’s just say a certain government organization won’t allow me to disclose that information.  I’ve already said too much.

Finish this sentence: Milk milk lemonade, around the corner ________.

…TOOOOOOOUCH MEEEEE IT’S SO EAAAAASY TO LEAAAAAVE MEEEEEE ALL ALONE WITH MY MEEEEEEMORIESSSSS OF MY DAAAAAYS IN THE SUUUUUUUNNNN…!

Talk to me about drag queens.  Friends or foes?  Are they jealous of your boogie?

Oh friends, definitely.  Although every so often you’ll get a really queeny one that doesn’t like ANYTHING, so there you’re not gonna win.  Enter Hernandez, and it’s a lot of diva in one room.  The trick is, to let those ladies have their spotlight and follow their lead.  Even if you know you’re funnier than they are, tonight, they’ve got the Weave.

That is incredibly sound advice, poopy.

Last year Michelle invited me to be a part of her cabaret show in Southern California.  I hadn’t performed on stage in about 4 years, so I was extremely nervous, but I knew it would be great to be back on stage with her.  We did this medley of songs based on the same 4 chords.  Here is a shitty video.  Ignore my singing.  Listen to Michelle.

There is a special relationship between a gay and his gal pal.

I was coal; She was a Christmas present.

Urban Dictionary’s Definition:

1. A fag hag is a woman who prefers the company of gay men.
2. A ‘fag-hag’ is a close, often homosexual friend who happens to be the opposite sex. One who has little to no chance of becoming sexually interested in you, largely due to orientation. This often allows for a platonic bond far closer and deeper than conventional friendships. Useful if a person wishes to fool their parents about their orientation. The fag-hag will be introduced as their friends’ boyfriend or girlfriend.

That all sounds fine and dandy, but I like to think a fag hag is a girl who is a great wingwoman, likes to go dancing, and has a thing for mixed drinks and gay dudes.  (I guess they can be good people, also.)  The relationship with a fag hag is not terribly complex.  In fact, it’s rather quite simple.  There is emotional availability for both parties with none of that weird relationship stuff.

Asian Anna Wintour Realness

Meet Vee (Veronica Lombo):

1. One fierce Filipina
2. The most stylish woman in the world
3. GAY GAY GAY
4. Ex-Cheerleader and Gymnast; Current Yogi

Vee and I started our love affair AFTER attending Mater Dei High School.  I had always heard her name around campus, but thought she was too incredibly popular for me to even know what she looked like.  Turns out those 4 years were partially wasted because I never got to talk to her while we were in school together.  Sad panda.  By fate, we eventually connected the summer after graduation and it’s been love ever since.  We’ve even been known to travel to Long Island to see the Spice Girls. Vee is living a wonderful life in NYC and she’s documenting it all on her blog Vee Said She Said.  You can learn about some fine fashion, trannies that will cut you, and maybe an appearance from a certain SF based homo.  (It’s me!)

Dancing the night away at Tigerheat. Pre-GaGa for you youngsters.

I’m going to make a claim for the rest of the gay community and offer Vee full gay-dom.  She’s earned it.  She is a graduated fag hag; a full-fledged gay. CONGRATS BIOTCH!

I asked this devilish diva a few questions to let the fur fly free.

When did you realize you were gay?

I was 18, and met my ‘first’ gay friend, Ralph, working at Nordstrom at South Coast Plaza during Christmas break.  We naturally became fast friends with common interests such as fashion and cheerleading.  One night, a few co-workers, along with Ralph and myself, went to Club Thrust.  Every other night, Club Thrust functioned as a sushi restaurant, but Thursdays were the exception.  We chugged Sparks in the backseat of our friend’s car.  I didn’t know what I was in for.  Suddenly everything came together.  The lights.  The music.  The dancing.  The sweaty men.  The drag queens.  It was my crack.  I was addicted.  There was no going back. 

I am still getting ‘gayer’ by the day.  Last week when I visited the LGBT Center in the West Village to hear Simon Doonan speak…yeah that was pretty gay.  

Looking back, I guess I’ve always been a gay man in a woman’s body.  My best friend in Kindergarten was a French boy named George.  He wore nautical striped shirts, khaki shorts, and neutral colored sneakers.  He also loved Euro Disney.  I should have known.  

Damn, Vee.  George? We should find him.  I say we go sail the sees to find George.  Alright, what is your coming out story?

dlist.com …need I say more? 

HA! Yes.  Some backstory. DList was THE gay social networking site; now defunct.  Facebook for gays.  I convinced Vee that she should join and start her gay army.  Finally she listened to me, and she BLEW UP.  The site even featured her as “The Lady of DList.”  You’re welcome, Vee. How did your parents take your coming out?

My parents love me and my gay friends.  They especially love the ones that are very eager to sing karaoke.  You, David McDonald, are obviously at the top of the list.  ;)

“I don’t care if someone is gay or straight or whateber, as long as they are a nice person, that’s all that matters.”

“Bee, were you out at the gay clubs last night?  You left a message on the answering machine and all we could hear was loud music.”

Tell Romeo (Vee’s Dad) that I appreciate being at the top of the list.  Vee’s father and I have a strange love affair.  Don’t ask.  What’s your favorite karaoke song?

I can’t really sing, so I prefer rap songs.  The one that I am probably the best at is Eminem’s “My Name Is.”  But, I don’t really have a favorite.  

Which version of Madonna do you prefer and why?

I really dislike Cowgirl Madonna.  I just wasn’t ok with that entire phase, even though I definitely still listened to the songs.  My favorite version is “Hung Up” Madonna.  The leotard, the sparkles, and the dance sequences are everything.  

We’ll accept “Hung Up” Madonna.  Bitch has a killer bod.  I prefer Ray of Light/Geisha Madonna myself.  OK, milk milk, lemonade.  Around the corner…

I hope they’re both organic, and that the milk is lactose free because that would cause problems.  And definitely no high fructose corn syrup in the lemonade. Actually is there any coconut water available? 

You were a gymnast in another life.  How did those uneven bars treat you?

Not well.  I was more of a beam and floor exercise kind of girl.  You KNOW.  ;)

What would you do if you ACTUALLY had a penis?

Get it penazzled, obviously! (If you’re unsure of the definition, google it.)

OK.  You have silly string, some toothpicks and an adult diaper.  Can you make it WERQ, TWERK or both at the same time?

WERQ fo sho.  I would “stud” the adult diaper with the toothpicks to give it an edgy feel.  As for the silly string, I hope that it would be neon pink or cobalt blue, and I would construct a kind of netting around the toothpicks.

When it comes to QAF, should Brian have ended up with Justin or Michael and why? 

Brian was innately selfish, so I don’t think he deserved either Justin or Michael. Brian cared for both of them equally, but Justin and Michael cared for Brian WAY more then he ever did.  

This happened

OK, everyone.  Set forth and show your fag hags some lurvin’.  They deserve it.